Well,

How do I begin this?
Should I start off with the things that could have been beginning with the interactive story we wanted to write to that particular museum I promised I would take her to? Or should I just forget about the past promises and pretend that it was all one long dream?

The truth of the matter is... I have learned. She was right. My heart is priceless. Why lay it out on a table and have everybody stick their fork into it like a piece of meat? Why care when it's all pointless?

I have learned that some lessons are better left untaught. Because the fact of the matter is... ending relationships never got me stronger. They only bittered me up inside, spread their cold after-injection into my soul, and stuck a sock a little deeper into my mouth; so deep it makes me sick; deep enough so i cannot breathe.

Ladies and gentlemen, I tell you now. Love is hard to find; but what's harder is letting it go. Watching her sit there, with you, for the last time; watching her check if it's time to go home; feeling that she's not realizing that tomorrow... there won't be you in her life anymore.

Did you even matter for a second; you deluded lover boy with a perfect nose?
I need to hurt someone random.

Sometimes... I even wonder where the time went. Sometimes I wonder if this was all a test.
I keep giving them all excuses... but for how-fucking-long am I supposed to forgive everybody for stepping all over me, for taking my place in the world, for walking in my fucking shoes?

I need a fucking break.
What do I need to do for you to show mercy?

Sometimes, I feel like a cat; a one eared cat that lost its voice crying for help. I feel like a cat that you just teased with a box of tuna... an empty box of tuna...
just to get its fucking hopes up.
Just to tell it, learn little kitty... love is in the air, all around.
You just gotta learn the lesson.
What if... there is no lesson, what if I wasn't paying attention?
What if the only lesson I learned was that... I should have stayed offline, home, logged on to a fantasy game where everything's possible.
What is it that is out there that is worth learning for?

Why does my blessings list that I keep adding to every morning still contains all the basic blessings? Money, the five senses, family, a job... security, the body, success, food and water… الحمدلله

Now here's the million dollar question that I would sell my soul to have answered... if I have always been about haram and halal... if I have always sought You, when will this long test of faith end?
I am soooo tired.
I need to breathe.
Give me a sign that refills my faith vial for it is almost empty now.

If I was allowed to describe myself in one word... would it still be priceless, I wonder? Do I still consider myself King of Kings, the luckiest man alive, the sound of all generations, the heart of all? Why is it that after that endeavor, that I feel small, tiny, shallow… just another lesson, another relationship for dummies example?

March back to the price tags, boy.
You're on SALE!!
If only I was a t-shirt. If you were cheap, on sale, people would still want you, wouldn't they?
They might even get three of you for the price of one.
But then again, if you're on sale then there is a chance that something is wrong with you. And in the lessons that I've supposedly learned, I have not yet found neither have I been told what went wrong, what defects do I hold...
where my torn out discolored strings are.
I look into the mirror and all I see is me... same old me. I have become more aware of my nose, however. My eyes are a bit different. They sparkle most of the time like a wet rock that's been hit by the waves of the sea many, many times.
I have become more aware of my physical appearance than I ever was.
In the absence of the soul, one can only see the physical; one can only feel the material.
I miss my soul. You should have left me alone. I was peaceful.
You stirred me up inside. I am the mug that holds her drink, her no whipped cream, sugarless, foamless, skimmed milk, hot decaf.
The only problem is after the drink is over... all I'm left with is the being of that empty mug all over again. Only now it's sticky at the bottom and her lipstick marks leave me with what may have been.
If only...

I hear their voices. I feel their presence in my head. Cursing at me, at you... at her. I hear them telling me to hate you, to hate her. I hear them calming me down, welcoming me home.
Bonne arrive, fair prince of the might. We... have missed you.
I see myself walking into their chambers, my... chambers. I see myself sitting down on my throne, getting served their divine drinks, and watch them dance and jump in joy...
trying to get me to smile, to please me, to satisfy my outgrowing ego.
Singing to me...Sucking up to me... Smile. We are your friends. We'll understand. We'll accept you for who you are. Fuck them all. They don't know you like we do.

I am too weak to fight them.
I have outgrown my limits…shapelessly.

Hide me, dear friends.
Cover me with your cold, cold wings.
I don't want this anymore.