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    Яαgιи Яαvєи
    Cairo, Egypt
    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
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Tapping at my chamber door

In 2008, I'll Get Me A Shotgun

I will also:
2. Get closer to
Job hunt some more.
4. Get closer to my
5. Learn a new language.
Finish at least one screenplay.
Lose the extra weight.
8. Get a
driver's license. I will not buy a car.
9. I will
rule my world.
10. I will have my

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

I am Joe's Vegas

They’re laughing at me, the whole bunch of ‘em; pointing at me, cracking their knuckles… O I wish they’d break.

This is usually the time of the year where I sit down and visit my year’s revolutions list. This week, I can say gracefully, that I have accomplished something. I’ve accomplished something that wasn’t on the list. I am proud of myself.

I’ve renamed many beliefs in 2008. I’ve rebelled on many things and I’ve redefined many words. I’ve buried myself further into the randomness of my world. I still hate it… but then again al 7amdulellah. Words… I’ve lost my taste in vocabulary even though still sends me a new word every day. I never delete those emails; I just stack ‘em… perhaps someday I’ll trade them for some motes of life. The word sorry does not cut it anymore. Forgiveness became urban legend. The word mercy got associated with divine intervention and to top my cake of meaningless cream bullshit, miracles fall into 1500 pop song titles released in the 90s.

Surprises me how being a cruel bastard gets me to places. How it brings me love, appreciation, and the eternal loyalty of people I take for granted; my dogs.

It is true though… God does not move the mountain for ya, but He sure does give you the strength to climb it. I believe. 2008 was a challenge. I’ve grown stronger… colder. I wonder if I still am the highlight of her year.

I’ll call 2008 the Year I Couldn’t Breathe.

So many things I learned in 2008… other things I just… chose to ignore, discard like every other memory that squeezes. I’ve also come to many realizations on top of which stands tall the greatest realization of ‘em all... that the world does not revolve around me; that no matter how hard you try sometimes you have to fall even if all the freaking signs pointed towards what you really want, your true man-made destination.

But then again, what is a destination?

Isn’t it just an arrow we sketch in order for us to embroider PURPOSE on our halos?

Sometimes it’s just easier to tear those pages out of your journal and pretend like they never happened, like you never felt those words. But you can’t tear out what’s digital can you? You can only pray for the Internet to be over, for everyone to disconnect, for a URL to mean nothing to you anymore. But it’s up and running and the spam’s still flowing through my veins to remind me of when and why I subscribed in the first place.

If only my life was a book I could read, pages I could just skip, chapters I could burn…

An ending to choose. A book I could pick off a bookshelf and flip over to the last page. But it’s not… None of this is… Who says that you write your own book, that you decide your destiny?

You can try, but you might as well try Vegas; throw in your last chip and roll your magic wheel and wait for it to stop…

Will it ever?

So much at stake… Should I have taken the risk, in an attempt to put my mind at ease?

I think not.

Tonight I moved on. Tonight I passed.

Tonight I held on to my last chip and stashed it back in my pocket where it fucking belongs.

Tonight I climbed that mountain…

So now what?

I guess all I have to do now is look up and wait for a pop song from the 90s to jumpstart my headset back to awareness.

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