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    Яαgιи Яαvєи
    Cairo, Egypt
    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
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Tapping at my chamber door

In 2008, I'll Get Me A Shotgun

I will also:
2. Get closer to
Job hunt some more.
4. Get closer to my
5. Learn a new language.
Finish at least one screenplay.
Lose the extra weight.
8. Get a
driver's license. I will not buy a car.
9. I will
rule my world.
10. I will have my

Tuesday, July 14, 2009


This has been a rough week. I've never stared at my watch that much, begging the arms to move, the moment to pass… for change to happen. It's like it's the same goddamn shadow all over again, chasing me, hovering over me, whispering in my ears those words… Decisions, decisions, decisions.

It's time for change… I can feel it coming my way, that climax; that moment when I'll just give up and say fuck it all. I deserve better. The funny thing is that I am not scared. I'm not thrilled about it. I'm afraid of what's gonna happen… but I am definitely not afraid of giving up on it all. It's only when you've reached that point, that willingness to sacrifice everything for something… and get nothing in return, that, my imaginary little friend, is when you should realize that it's not gonna happen. That waiting is not the answer, that trying harder, being more patient, having a little more faith… may not be the way to go.

It is time to make a move before it's too late. Before you're already shackled in and you feel lost…

Pretty much how you feel right now, huh.

It's been one year and one month since I accepted that new job as head of financial services at my bank's HQs. Very fancy for a person of my age. I keep saying that but then I look at the mirror closer now only to realize that I have grown at least fifteen grey hairs… and those are only the ones that I can actually see. This place has gotten me old. My soul is all wrinkled up and my confidence in my ability to manage is shaking. Shhht… keep it a secret.
If only they knew how I felt… those fuckers!

This is not the letter that a person writes right before they absolutely lose control and head to work one morning with a shot gun under their jacket; but it's definitely one that reads, 'Change, here I come' between the lines.

I can't bear with all of this right now. This place has changed me… turned me into an ugly man that I certainly am not… at least from what I've been told. Maybe they're all wrong. Perhaps I've been an asshole all these years only I wasn't showing it.

I don't know… but what I know is that I need a fucking break.

I want to loosen up, feel appreciated for a change. Realizing that perhaps you're being used must be the most horrible feeling in the world.

And the countdown's begun… and by the time you're done counting I'll be gone.

Wasn't it Houdini that made an elephant disappear off stage by using misdirection?

I may be the elephant after all.

Change is bound to happen. It's just a question of when.

Decisions… Decisions…


Thursday, July 2, 2009

She bears with me

They say that the way to a girl's heart is by listening to what she has to say and acting upon it... in a way.
Well... at this very second as I'm writing this, it definitely feels like it relies on other aspects, hmm… the things I want to do.... the things I want to tell her, is what this is all about.

One of the primary reasons behind me writing this is the fact that lately I've been watching how she handles me, my bullshit, my whining... and I'd be like 'How could you possibly bear with me?' When we first got to know each other "romantically" I told her 'baby I am not easy' and she replied asking how that was even possible; but it's true. I know myself very well. I've watched myself when I'm pissed, when I'm excited, when I'm just plain whiny, asking for more, needing more. I've watching myself when I'm obsessed. I've watched her, being the strong woman that she is, just let go of a matter we're both disagreeing on just to make me feel better. I hear her sitting there all quiet listening to me vent even though most of the time she's probably wishing I'm there to hold her, to sit with her on the couch and listen.
I am not an easy job and yet... she tries... I see her try and I go speechless... every time.

Honey, you make me want to be a better person. I write this to let you know that I'll handle whatever it is that comes our way. I'll be patient through whatever; be it a school bus full of children, a headache, a massive storm of bad coincidences, lack of coffee, distance, and heartache...
I write this to let you know that it's not about me wanting to feel like I'm making you happy or 'taking care of you', but let's just say that... to know that something I did or said made you smile makes my day.

And that's what makes it all worth it. I'm crazy like that.

I'll miss you sweetheart.

Return home safely to Papa.

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