I never did surgery before. I never lost someone close to me. The worst thing I ever got was a jellyfish sting and a bad tooth that required some cleaning, drilling, crowning, the whole nine yards; but then again, being the bright side looker that I am, I always said to myself, at least my teeth can wear a crown for real. Even though I’ve experienced brain pain on many occasions, I’ve always managed to pass over to the next level. Sometimes when it’s in your head, you can manipulate it to your own benefit. Heart pain is the worst as far as I’ve learned for time is the only cure…

or so they say.

I have waited for many things to happen in my life. I have become patient. I hardly ever lose my temper. I always try not to fuck up. I try too much, sometimes it sickens me. Today I learned that I won’t be transferred to another department, yet… I’m getting promoted. I’m going to head a Personal Financial Services division at some branch very soon. I’ve waited for that moment for the past three years, for my name to be called. Call me stupid, but I wasn’t moved. I didn’t smile. It would have meant much, much more if all things would have worked out just the way I wanted, but then again I’m not God. All I can do is plan, plan, plan… then pray for any of my plans to come true, to be realized; because at the end, no matter how much you plan, how much you spend, how long you wait; no matter how much air you breathe… at the end, it’s already been decided for ya… long before you were born. We just don’t get to read that page with our name written in bold calligraphy at the top. All we can do is hope for a happy ending because any other alternative would deem the whole aging process pointless.

And amidst all of this, I couldn’t miss the fact that I was scared shitless. I’m going to have to lead people. I’ve already been proven responsible on many occasions and received so many verbal, spiritual rewards and acknowledgments, but at the end, all eyes are going to be on me. Who’s that 26 year old they chose to head, to manage, to lead?, they’ll ask.

Here’s my bright side as I proclaim it… at least I’ll keep my mind busy for a while. I need to fill that space in my life even if the filling is adrenaline released from my fearsome body.

I am fearing tomorrow more than ever now as I read my secret page word by word.