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    Яαgιи Яαvєи
    Cairo, Egypt
    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
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Tapping at my chamber door

In 2008, I'll Get Me A Shotgun

I will also:
2. Get closer to
Job hunt some more.
4. Get closer to my
5. Learn a new language.
Finish at least one screenplay.
Lose the extra weight.
8. Get a
driver's license. I will not buy a car.
9. I will
rule my world.
10. I will have my

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Shut up. Shut up… Shut up!!

These voices again, questioning my every move and thought; giving me ultimatums. If only I could pause my brain for a few days, lie down thoughtlessly and stare at the empty ceiling.

You can tell a lot about yourself when you stare at a ceiling. It's more to do with… giving ranks to things that would catch your attention on that empty ceiling which absolutely resembles, means, illustrates, and signifies nothing of any sort.

It is… a ceiling… and that only.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. The world is my oyster… was the conclusion I got; or at least that's what I tell myself to feel better. Self analysis is a healthy tool to progress and adapt with the changing events, but when it comes to the point where everything that matters at a certain point on the time scale becomes significantly uncertain… that's when all I can do is freak out. Mid-age crisis? I dunno… I know I'm too young to be experiencing it, but then again… time flies and all of a sudden you're 30. I now understand it when they say 'it was faster than your twenties'.

I am waiting, chasing, that ultimate change that is bound to happen any second now. I know that I will wake up one day and figure you know what… this is it. I am outta there. I just am too afraid of doing it. It's more like bungee jumping when you know you're going to swing back up there but you just need that push from somebody. Call it being too passive? Too stubborn maybe? It's the combination of both that just drives me insane sometimes where I know what's the right thing to do but the familiar voices inside my head tell me to shut the fuck up and ignore everything… meditate your way through.

I have the patience of gods; that I know.

Shhh… I'm not hearing it. These are just voices. Pretend you're fucking deaf; play dead.

I have changed vigorously through the past few years… gone a long way to the extent that identity is hard to pin point sometimes. I do know for a fact that I am probably more passive than stubborn. I have let go of many things to make things work. I have changed my mindset and in many ways feel the strings jacked into my limbs, into my every thought.

I am what I am, still very under the influence of something powerful; too powerful for me to label, too vague for me to aim at and shatter.

Maybe it has something to do with intimacy issues, my inability to trust, my absolutely fucked up beliefs. Over all I'd say I'm a nice guy… but then again don't we all share the same theory about ourselves. I do know for a fact that deep inside it's probably too dark for me to see, too damn dusty for me to breath.

I'll just inject myself with energy drinks, happy thoughts, a strict tone, and step into the shadows, fingers crossed…

Pray for the best, for change.

Every second is a chance to turn things around… but then again isn't change just an illusion of hope that we hang in front of us as bait? Is this the negative me spawning? I've never been negative; maybe dark, but never negative.

Is this the birth of a new me? Change in all its glory? Lol

Still scares me how flexible I have been…and they said I wasn't open minded!! It is too damn open it's probably leaking out, escaping my cave, these very familiar voices… my friends.

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