August… huh…

I can’t believe. I seriously can’t believe. Mid third quarter of a strange year. I still am not sure whether I want 2008 to end or whether I want to freeze it where it stands and stare endlessly. Oh well… like I have a choice!

Holding a higher ranking position at work taught me so much about myself. It taught me that although I was always appraised on bringing about a high level of team spirit, I do prefer to go solo, even when I’m now required to lead a team of people into a successful upbringing of whateverness. It’s the only key that I wish I had. It’s the only key that so many of my friends, family, and loved ones never managed to obtain. There’s something about me that is just keyless. Like I locked myself up 26 years ago and threw the key into a dark waveless sea.

I hate pairing up with friends in multiplayer games. It’s always me against the world… I do it with a big ass smile on my face and when I win… I don’t cheer. I don’t gloat. I just unplug and leave.

I couldn’t care less… even if I end up lonely and confused.

This week I realized why I was always loved by my managers. I was always the type that finishes up their work then look around to check if they can help others out with theirs. It helped me learn many things unrelated to what I do even though it wasn’t easy. I never left the office without making sure that everything was safe and sound, that all drawers were locked and that everybody was satisfied about what they do. I never did any of that seeking a better year-end evaluation. I just did it because it felt right.

Again with the right and wrong speech.

Now that I am technically a manager, my subordinates never help out. They do what’s required of them. You can order them around, ask them to bend over and sing the national anthem, but they would never do anything just for the sake of helping out. I find myself helping them out instead, getting overloaded, stressed out… and again, I find myself the last one to leave the office. My corporate days are fucking numbered… at least in this country where people only know how to follow orders perfectly in order to get mid-year BONUS.

Four plus months to go… Can’t I just hibernate for a few? Oh well… I guess there are much, much more secrets for me to discover about myself, to osmosis-ize out of my locked brain and learn and love and hate. I fear the things that I don’t know about myself.

Fuck it… I’m done venting.

Now where’s that offshore recruitment website?