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    Яαgιи Яαvєи
    Cairo, Egypt
    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
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Tapping at my chamber door



In 2008, I'll Get Me A Shotgun


I will also:
1.
Yield
2. Get closer to
God
3.
Job hunt some more.
4. Get closer to my
family.
5. Learn a new language.
6.
Finish at least one screenplay.
7.
Lose the extra weight.
8. Get a
driver's license. I will not buy a car.
9. I will
rule my world.
10. I will have my
revenge.

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My thin, thin threads

The wait seems endless; endless enough for trees to have grown in height, darker, casting their shadows all over my path... I often wonder what it would have been like without this, before this. Way before I got engulfed and swallowed by this overwhelming mess. It's the loss of control that hurts the most about all of this, the loss of words, the inability to share how I feel. The being stuck in the situation where all you can do is be there and hope that to them that's enough, that it's noticeable. That they'd turn around and realize how you've been around, how maybe you deserve more.

Nope… the pat on the back and the gold watch won't cut it. And even though I was always referred to as the cold heartless bastard among my real life friends, I still cherish sentimental and emotional values over all. I am human.

I miss how it used to be... 'The things I take for granted' - a book by My Decaffeinated Self. The things I could have said and done when I could, when we both shared the same reason. The words I could have framed and the moments I should have cherished, held close. If noobs had a flag to use to mark their territories it would have my face on it. I was an idiot... I fucked up.

If only she'd let lose, forgive me... want me again.

Well... all I'll do is hang tight, and wait, for feelings to re-emerge maybe. I hate my patience and I loathe my high hopes when the road just seem endless and my tries have no set limits... I hate those mind games I challenge myself with... I am the God of patience, but when it comes to them games I always lose because the voices becomes louder. The bastards talk to me, tell me that it's a lost cause, a game already lost... that it's been over for the longest time and all I'm hanging to is a thread made by my own personal delusion.

And I keep listening to them assholes telling me that it ain't gonna happen. The problem is... the longer you listen, the sweeter the pitch…

The more I hate myself for not holding tight… for being the asshole that I was.

I miss her to no end. I don't like it, but that's all I keep hearing. I don't hear her voice anymore... I just hear their whispers...

im a little bit terrified as i write this because for most of these last 3 months its felt like ive been locked in a cage. or to be more accurate its like my tongue has been locked in a cage. u know its like.. its like my problem with drawing. i see it so perfectly. i see the characters in my head. i see their hair, their smile, their clothes. i see everything in my head but how do i paint that picture? i cant paint you that picture. but atleast i had words. i could describe the red hair and her fair skin and the way she sits and talks and walks. i could describe how her pose depicts easy confidence and her body language says she's relaxed and that whoever she's talking to must be someone she trusts because she's not on guard at all.. i could describe every little thing about her..

but for 3 months its felt like i have weights on my tongue. the one thing in the world i need to describe the most - i have never needed my words more than i do now and yet words fail me. i want to show you the picture i have in my head but all i can do is show you how frustrated i am and then maybe you can understand how much more the picture is than ill ever be able to tell you..

i was there. i was there in that rut that you describe. i was there in that place of darkness and of confusion where everything is just.. well you say it better than i do. i know that place. i know because you paint a perfect picture. i dont need to see colours or brush strokes because your words paint the picture and i see it. and im telling you i know that place..

and im going to try and tell you this without screwing it up because if i can just.. if i can just explain to you what i see.. then maybe Allah won't punish me for hiding all this knowledge from you.

its just..
brother you need to look up. i mean it in the most literal sense, you need to look UP. you have to lift your head and look up. you have to stop looking at your plane of vision and look up and remember that this world is not.. the world doesn't just exist at a height of 2 metres.. the whole world and everything works against you to make you try and forget what this life is all about. that it isn't about these people.. it isn't about the land your feet walk on or the things that you see or the people that you either love or hate.. its about God.. this whole life is between you and God you just forget sometimes.
And thats when we become miserable. When we forget what this whole life is for.. when we forget that it's a journey to Allah and that everything else is just so bloody insignificant... that's when everything is horrible.. because it IS.. everything is horrible if it wasn't for God. everything in this life would be just.. i mean 60% of the worlds population is under the poverty line.
but if thats anything its sending you a message. PLEASE dont ignore that message. this life just isnt it. this isnt the final destination. this isnt A destination. its just that stop on the long road trip.. the stop at the gas station for more gas.. and you buy some food in the meantime. just to get you to the next stop. when we forget that.. thats when everything seems just.. well nothing makes sense because you forget to look up. you forget to remember that Gods the one that moves all the pieces. and when you forget that.. you dont think to question why these things happen to you.. whats the message youre getting sent..

if its good.. you thank Allah, and if it is difficulty, you are patient. and thats it.. thats all there is to it.. 3ajaban li 2amr ilmu2min!
patience is desired in and of itself.. because Allah loves it.

i can say more of course but.. ill do you a favour and shut up.

May Allah open your heart to all that is good and true

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